Baby fever?

I’ve reached the time in my life that a lot of people I know or who are around my age are having kids.  For whatever reason this has been a difficult subject for me and has brought up a lot of emotions. I am very happy for my friends and will be present in their and the baby’s life as “auntie” I talk about the experience and changes they are going through. For what ever reason though, I am also jealous, sad and slightly upset and guilt ridden. A baby is a big change and I know the dynamic is going to shift. And because quite a few people around me are having kids, then the spotlight gets turned to me and I’m asked when I’m going to have kids. This is what brings up all the emotions. I’m not fully ready to have kids and not sure when I will be. The phrase “you’ll have then when you’re ready” is then stated to me but the thought is a bit scary for me and a huge commitment. I guess I’m still selfish in wanting my time, body and sleep to stay the same. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I have nice thoughts about having a family but I can’t get past that fear. Then that is what makes me upset and a little guilty. I’m missing out on feeling “included” in the experiences and conversations of those hanging kids. I feel guilty for placing my husband in a holding pattern because I’m “not ready” and I may feel guilty for choosing to not have kids but why would I have them if I’m not truly ready or have doubts? Something so life changing and permanent should have a confidence and sure decision of yes. I’m so happy for those experiencing the opportunity of having kids; I really am. I just wish I could get past these other emotions I’m feeling and let some of it go.

Trust

I am tired.

There has been a lot going on in life recently and I have a lot to think about. Different situations are happening at work and I need to be mentally prepared for options that may come up. While prepping for that I also need to go to work and continue seeing people with high energy and a smile on my face. It's fine in the moment but by the end of the week, sometimes even the end of the day, I am spent.

All things happen for a reason right? It's funny how you think of something and then it happens but then as time goes on, you wish it was different again. I guess that phrase "be careful what you wish for" holds more truth to it. With all the possible decisions and changes that may be occurring with work and personal life, I am leaning on the universe right now. I am hoping I have the knowledge to know what is best for me and take whatever opportunity when timing is right. Please continue to guide me and give me continued strength to handle not only my patients, but to understand what my purpose is and how it fits in with what is going on around me.

Bob

I'm sitting here trying to think of how to start this since it's been so long and I cannot find the words. Life has been moving and continues to move. Currently I'm dealing with a patient who is dying. He has cancer in his hip and spinal fluid and there isn't much that can be done. I've worked with this patient before for a hip replacement and have built a relationship with him. For the past two weeks, I have been working with him and every day, have seen him decline. He is having difficulty swallowing, speaking, communicating and overall functioning. This afternoon I spent an hour with him after work. I got to hold his hand, talk to him and got him to take a drink of water and lie down. His wife says we have a special connection because I can get him to do things that others can't. It's nice to know I can comfort him in ways others cannot. He is so tired and is fighting so hard; I can feel it in his energy. I talked with his wife and kids and we all shared stories and concerns but it never feels like it's enough. In situations like those, I feel that we all want to say or do something to make the pain, sadness, uncomfortablness or whatever the feeling is to go away. Unfortunately, that just takes time. Tears were shed and hugs were given. I told him that it was okay to relax and rest. I want him to relax and let go. He's fighting so hard and I know he is tired.

On my way home, across the sky was a bright rainbow. I'm taking it as a sign from the universe that as hard as it is, it will be okay. And he will be okay.

Dear Universe

I have been dealing with some stuff. I figure this is typical "becoming a more grownupy grown up stuff" but nevertheless, it is bothering me. I get so frustrated on how for some reason, I never am fully satisfied. It's weird; I love where I live, I love my husband, I love my family and that should be enough. But for whatever reason, I do not feel completely fulfilled and that is frustrating to me. Now, this feeling comes and goes and is not always as strong/pronounced but the fact that it keeps hanging around has me tired. I have been nagging my brain as to what it is that is causing it. Is it my job?, the setting I work in?, not enough "me time"? I'm not even sure which is frustrating because then I'm not sure how to go about fixing it. So I'm laying it out there....here it is

Dear Universe,

I am handing myself to you. I will do my best not to overthink or stress over my feelings and just let life be what it will be. Like I stated before, I am not sure what needs to be altered or addressed with my life but I'm leaving it to you. All I ask is that whatever it is, please let it be what's best for me and my husband. I want us both to be happy and completely fulfilled with ourselves and our lives. With this, I hope you can not only give me clarity in what I'm looking for, but the wisdom and sense to recognize it.  I will wait. I will listen and I will feel.

Validation

We all live for a job. That's what society tells us to do...at least that's how I take it. The emphasis on your job and how it makes you who you are is so important and can rattle your self conscious if it's not the right fit. I think I found my fit. After 7 months of adjusting, trying to make the best of different jobs and networking, I have found a position that makes me feel supported and validated. I love what I do, the patients I work with, how they grow and the team that I have. We are all working well together and things are coming along great. There is still adjusting to be done and continuous growth but to feel good about what I do and to feel the belonging is a great start.

Worry and Doubt

I wish I could stay happy. Not saying that I'm never happy but I find that I am not satisfied with where I'm at in my life which is ridiculous because I have a job, a great husband and I live in freaking Hawaii. Why wouldn't I be happy?! It's very frustrating how I continue to slip back into doubt and worry. I constantly think about where I "should" be at and what my job is like or not like and etc. There is always something that sucks me back from happiness and it's getting to the point where it's making me mad. I'm not sure what to do about it. I've tried accepting the feelings but then you tend to dwell on them. I've tried changing jobs, researching but that hasn't solved anything. I know there are pros and cons to any job you have, place you live and basically any situation life throws at you but why can't I accept that like a normal person? I've decided that I am not good at life and no matter what happens or where I'm at, what situation I'm in, there is always going to be something that bothers me. I just wish I could accept it and move on. Maybe I just need to try something different.....just not sure what.

What is your's to carry?

I found this quote today.

"I wonder how much of what weighs me down is not mine to carry"

A lot has been happening in our "society" as of lately. Bickering, arguing, discussions, bills being passed or not passed, etc. I have to be a good citizen and try (as much as I may hate it) to watch the news and see what is going on. What's currently being decided and how it's being handled makes me think that people choose or react to things to get on a "power trip" Manipulation, greed and selfishness is all part of it. There is no thought of other people, the environment or the future. Just...what can I get RIGHT NOW?

I admit, I am not the perfect citizen. I did not vote in this last election and honestly, I don't think I've ever voted. I do not stay informed and I focus on myself and my family. Sounds like I'm being a hypocrite from what I just said earlier in the above paragraph. My justification for that is, I choose how I react to people and events that will benefit me and my family. I contribute to whatever charity I can (whether public or giving a friend a gift they cannot afford). I am a positive person (for the most part) and I expel my energy on people everyday hoping it makes a difference. I live by the golden rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated. I try my best not to judge and I'm kind. My profession makes people physically, mentally and emotionally better which I feel contributes more so than many other things.

I get very frustrated and emotional at how people treat other people and what goes on in the news. Even now, writing this post, I'm getting emotional. So, going back to the quote up above, what is not mine to carry? What is not your's to carry? I think we should all think about this when we choose to make a decision and react to certain things. I feel that if I'm a good person, I try hard everyday and I put out good energy for everyone, that good energy will makes it's way around and will eventually come back to me. I just wish others would do this too. What is your's to carry?

Get back

We have been living in Kauai for three months now. It seems longer and shorter at the same time. Adjustments have been made, situations have occurred, and we are now getting into our new "normal". That seems to be taking extra time though. It seems that once you finally get used to a schedule, routine, or what a day entails for you, then it changes and you have to adapt all over again. Oh well....at least I'm not bored.

This past week was a busy one. I'm not really sure why but it was. Work kept me away for awhile while my husband got to spend each day with friends or doing what he wants to do. (he is off for fall break). Friday neither of us had to work and we decided to go paddle boarding. It was so much fun and I love being with him. We then got some ice cream, sat on a bench and watched it rain. Something so simple that means so much.

I think we tend to get caught up with work, school, daily household tasks, friends, etc and that's fine. That stuff does need attention. But we also need to take time to enjoy where we are at. One of the reasons we moved to Hawaii was all the activities that are available to do outdoors. If we can't enjoy those things, then we are not enjoying one of the reasons we moved to this wonderful island. We all need to remember to "get back" to the things that make us happy and enjoy where we are. Even if it's just sitting on a bench and watching the rain.

Adventure

Over the past two years (since I've written on this thing), I have discovered more about myself and what I want to do career wise. I was lucky enough to receive an opportunity to work as a PTA at an outpatient clinic towards the end of 2015. This was my first job as a PTA and I was supper excited to apply my clinical skills and learn some new ones as well. As my training started I was learning the environment of the clinic, documentation skills, insurance rules and so much more. I met my co-workers and started working in collaboration with them. Everything was going great. But, as any job has, I started noticing things that I did not agree with. This clinic focused on the money side of things and not as much on patient care. That is not why I went into therapy. I want to give people care but due to this clinic's "values" that seemed not to be as big of a value and the focus was on money/reimbursement. I was conflicted on if I wanted to work at this clinic. I would come home crying so frustrated that I was not being the best therapist I could be due to this clinic not allowing me to be. Even though this was the case, I stuck with this job for a year and a half. Don't get me wrong; I loved my co-workers, the patients and I learned so much but I hated the management and the total goal of what this clinic had in mind. I would come home frustrated, exhausted and mentally drained and I did not like living that way. I kept thinking this is not how this is supposed to be. I tried changing things/policies at work to try and fix the feelings I was having. Nothing seemed to work. I would have ups and downs and got to the point where I didn't care. That is horrible to not care when I work in field whose soul purpose is to care.

While all this was going on, I had a goal. Since I visited my aunt and uncle in Hawaii, I had wanted to live there. The environment, the food, the mixture of cultures, and the energy of the island pulled me in and I wanted to stay. For so long, this has been a dream of mine and I longed for it. I'm happy to say now, it's becoming my reality. I will be moving to Hawaii next month. My husband and I have both found jobs and we are so excited. We both prayed about it, discussed it, and prayed some more and finally decided to take the plunge and go for it. Now I feel excited, anxious, stressed and have a little second guessing going on. This is something that I've wanted for a long time and now that it's finally happening, it's almost like my mind can't believe it or has to talk its way out of it. Even though all these feelings and emotions are there, I'm still very excited to see what the island holds for me. I hope that my new jobs have a different outlook than my last one. I hope I learn just as much but work in a positive environment and that I actually enjoy going to work. May new bosses seem like wonderful people and have been very helpful. This is a good sign to me and I am looking forward to this new career and living adventure.

It's been awhile.

Life has been crazy lately and it will continue that way. Tests have been passed, clinical rounds are almost up, graduation is coming up, job hunting is a thing now and we are moving. This is what will be happening this next month. I am super excited but the transition periods are always hard to get through. I find myself excited about the outcome or what is up ahead but I don't really want to go through the actual thing. Funny how that works right?

It was my birthday this past week. Another year and I don't really feel older but I know that I am. Time seems to go faster as we get older and I'm not sure I like it.

My husband is almost finished with his first year of teaching. They say that once you get past the first year then it gets easier. I wonder how true that is? He's excited though and I am too. It will be nice to have a little break and not have to think about school all the time. He deserves it.

I'll leave you with this...

"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says "I'm possible!" -Audrey Hepburn

Clinical II

I am in my second week of clinicals. It's a crazy feeling to know that in a few short months, I'll be applying for my first real job. Hopefully I'll be ready by then.

So far, I have observed and helped here and there for certain patients. It's kind of hard being the student because I feel like I'm in the way and I'm not capable of anything yet. But it is also kind of fun because I get to sit back and watch all the relationships between the staff and patients. It's interesting how some patients are so willing to work and please you and others have no interest. At the age some of these patients are I can understand why they have no interest but it is also very sad. I feel a good portion of them are content with their functional activity and are okay with not getting any better because "someone else can do it for them" or "I'm going to die soon anyway so it doesn't matter". I guess that is something I'll have to get used to seeing being a therapist.

It's also interesting observing the staff. I like the people I work with and you can tell they enjoy what they do. Because PT, OT and Nursing all work together, they all tend to talk amoungst themselves about patients. I find this helpful but also interesting. You find out that some patients may like nursing more or less than the therapist so therefore, their attitude can change drastically. Another trait to get used to while working. As a student I learn so much and just hope that what I learn I can apply to the real world.

Grandma K

My Grandma passed away last week.Technically she is my grandma in-law but she made me feel like one her own grandchildren. She made me feel part of the family even before I was married in and I thank her for that. She is the most caring and genuine woman and it was sad to say goodbye to her. But honestly, I am comforted that she is in a better place, is healed and can finally relax. She is with so many others that have left before her and I am sure they are making her feel at home and are welcoming her with open arms.

Another Year

Another year has flown by and it's time to start the new one. As we get older, time seems to pass by more quickly and it is something that I am trying to get used too. It seems like there is so much going on and it's almost like we are treading water to stay afloat with everything going on.

This is my last semester of school. It is an exciting, anxious and nerve raking time. You know when you have been working at something for so long and then it finally comes to an end and you wonder, is this still what I want to do? I've been having that feeling. I hope that when I'm finished with school, this is a job that I will like having. I hope I will enjoy it. I hope I will make a difference.

The end of this semester will also mark a new chapter in our lives. It will be time for me to get my first "real job" and it will be the end of my husband's first year of teaching. Landslides for both of us! This of course involves relocating for jobs and other scary/exciting adult stuff. We shall see what happens.

It seems like time goes faster as we get older. More things to do, more responsibilities to take care of, more people to see. With that said, here are a few goals I have for the new year:

1. Enjoy it
2. Take time for myself and for my husband
3. Finish strong with school
4. Get a job I enjoy
5. Spend more time with family and friends
6. Live more and spend less

Happy New Year

Adjustment

A lot has been happening this week. Not to me but to some friends of mine.

They ended a long relationship about a month ago and one of them is already in another relationship. It's interesting how someone else's life and choices effects other people around them. All of my group of friends have been trying to be supported of both of them. We try not to pick sides but it usually doesn't end up that way.  We will see one but not the other or one person distances them-self from the group because they are trying to find themselves or experience new things. That's fine and I respect that. It still doesn't make it any easier for us; or me at least. It's sad to know that the group dynamic is changing and will never be the same again. It's another adjustment to make and who knows what that will do to everyone. I know we grow and change over time but these are the people that I feel close too and want to remain friends with. I want all of us to be able to get along like we did in college. Hopefully that will happen and I know it will take time. I guess what I'm trying to say is, even though we are all moving in different directions and making our own lives, I still want us to be there for the big moments.

Ready?

Have you ever wondered if what you have been prepping for is something that you really want? I'm entering the last semester of my schooling and it is an exciting and anxious time. I've found myself thinking about how I have worked so hard for this but then I find myself in doubt whether this is something that I really want to do. I thought I did four years ago, but now I am second guessing it. I think it's interesting how we want something so bad and will do anything to get it but once we have it, we start to question whether it was something really worth having. I guess that must be normal. It doesn't sound normal though. It sounds like a bi-polar individual who can't make up their mind.

The problem with people who only want what they can't have is that once they have what they want, they don't want it anymore. 
-Scrubs (J.D.)

I think it must be a challenge though. The combination of excitement and anxiousness wanting makes us nervous about it actually happening. We've been working so hard for what has seemed to be so long and now that it's here, it's scary. You are taking a risk and trusting that what you have prepped for for so long will actually work out. This is something that you will be doing with a big portion of your life. I guess it's about taking chances and learning from those chances.


I've been thinking a lot lately about taking chances, and how it's really just about overcoming your fears. Because the truth is, every time you take a big risk in your life, no matter how it ends up, you're always glad you took it. 
-scrubs (J.D) 

Relationships

My friends ended their relationship Saturday. I shouldn't be as concerned as I am but I do feel bad for both of them. They have been through so much together and it's hard to see them just give it up. They are still talking though and hopefully something good will come out of it.

This event made me start to think about my relationship. Isn't that funny how when something happens to someone else, you start to re-evaluate your life and see if it is up to terms? Every relationship is different and you can't compare yourself or your situation to anybody else's. You have to work through your own stuff and make sure it means something to both of you. I feel like we tend to take people for granted and once that appreciation, happiness, love or whatever is not expressed as it should be, then we start to take a turn for the worse. We start to find a way out because we are not being noticed. Instead of reminding each other that we appreciate one another, we tend to do the opposite and slide out of the relationship to find something or someone else that will notice us more.

I don't know. Some people are meant to be and others, I guess, are not. I do believe that we need to be more aware of each other and the balance, energy, and emotions need to be expressed and recognized. I guess in the end, it's up to you whether it's something worth working for.


"Bottom line is: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time, if it's right and they're real lucky. One of them will say something."

Happy Birthday!

Today is my husband's birthday! He is 26 years old today and I am very excited to celebrate the day with him. This week has been long due to being the end of the quarter. (We are half way through the semester!) He has been working hard on getting grades in and prepping for parent teacher conferences. I'm not sure how he does it. He comes home from work with more work and continues to just keep trucking through. I know he enjoys the area he is in and his job and I'm so glad he has ended up there. I'm proud of him and I'm so happy that he has found what he loves to do.

Impacts

Do you enjoy your job?

I work with a company that provides care and compassion for individuals who need help. Most of the time, I work with people who are older and may not be able to do things that they used to do. This has opened my eyes in so many ways to the possibilities and scariness of getting older. This job has also provided me the opportunity of meeting new people. I have realized that working with people is something that I want to do. The people I have met, have impacted me in some way and I appreciate the experiences they have given me. I have met:

A woman more intellectual than anyone I have ever met
A man who has struggled most of his life and is still struggling today
A man who is still living life at a ripe old age
A woman who had a great life and slowly went on to the next one
A woman who I look forward to seeing throughout the week

As a caregiver we are supposed to get to know our clients and interact with them. You have a fear of getting too personal because one it's a business and two, they may not be around for much longer. This is something I have to balance but I get to know the clients and listen and enjoy what they have to say. They have taught me many things about life and how to live it and I hope I can take that knowledge and do just that. Live life.

I have always been aware of my surroundings. I feel connected to many things: people, nature, animals, etc. There are times where I have strong feelings about a person and I know how they are feeling even if they are far away or I haven't talked to them. I can feel energies around me. Good and bad. I always knew this but I don't always open up to it. I'm trying to change that. 

Some of my family members are more in-tune with themselves and their gifts. My aunt is very aware of herself and the people around her. She explained to me that what I have is called Clairsentient. This is the process of feeling energies or emotions from people. There are certain times where I feel an energy or feelings from people but I don't see the person. There have been a number of times that I have felt someone in our apartment. I have never seen a "ghost" but I know someone is there. I can tell if it is a good or bad vibe and I can also tell if it is a man or a woman. Sometimes, I have felt a lingering blackness. There was no gender, just blackness. I have also woken up in the middle of the night and could feel that my cousin was upset or worried about something. I had no idea why but I just knew something was not right. There are other times when I get so overwhelmed and don't even want to be around people. I'm not a fan of big crowds and find myself to get overwhelmed easily in those situations. I can feel people's energies and it wears me out. 

Knowing that I have this gift makes me more aware. I am trying to open myself up to these experiences and see what happens. This is something that I cannot ignore. I have a connection for a reason and I will try to keep myself open to whatever possibilities come my way. 

Ride the Waves

It's been awhile...

I've never been good at blog posts. Half the time I'm not really sure what to write about and the other half I am just not consistent about it. I feel like I should try and write down my feelings more or keep a journal about my life. Not necessarily for anyone to read but more for myself.

The start of this school year has been a busy one. The start of August entailed me getting married, going on our honeymoon and the day after we came back, school started. My husband is a teacher and is in full swing of things. He leaves early in the morning and most of the time, I don't see him until after supper. He is trying to make sure everything is going just right and I'm supporting him the best I can. I hope he has a good first year and things will get easier for him. I'm in my last year of school and just trying to stay focused. That's hard to do when you are burnt out. I feel like I've been burnt out of school for awhile. The problem is though, I'm burnt out about work too. I feel like I should be excited about getting a job but right now I'm not. I wish we could just be done with school and then that is that. Maybe I'll change my mind next semester. We start our last round of clinical rotations then and I'm sure that will get my mind ready for the "job world".

The truth is, I'm not very good at transitions. I never have been. It's always been hard going from one thing to another. Moving on or up in the world to something scarier but maybe even better than before. That first step is always the hardest. After the initial first step, I usually can role with the punches. The idea of change is always unsettling to people and I've never really understood why. We can't escape it and just have to accept it. That's part of life and we have to learn to ride the waves when they come.