Baby fever?

I’ve reached the time in my life that a lot of people I know or who are around my age are having kids.  For whatever reason this has been a difficult subject for me and has brought up a lot of emotions. I am very happy for my friends and will be present in their and the baby’s life as “auntie” I talk about the experience and changes they are going through. For what ever reason though, I am also jealous, sad and slightly upset and guilt ridden. A baby is a big change and I know the dynamic is going to shift. And because quite a few people around me are having kids, then the spotlight gets turned to me and I’m asked when I’m going to have kids. This is what brings up all the emotions. I’m not fully ready to have kids and not sure when I will be. The phrase “you’ll have then when you’re ready” is then stated to me but the thought is a bit scary for me and a huge commitment. I guess I’m still selfish in wanting my time, body and sleep to stay the same. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I have nice thoughts about having a family but I can’t get past that fear. Then that is what makes me upset and a little guilty. I’m missing out on feeling “included” in the experiences and conversations of those hanging kids. I feel guilty for placing my husband in a holding pattern because I’m “not ready” and I may feel guilty for choosing to not have kids but why would I have them if I’m not truly ready or have doubts? Something so life changing and permanent should have a confidence and sure decision of yes. I’m so happy for those experiencing the opportunity of having kids; I really am. I just wish I could get past these other emotions I’m feeling and let some of it go.

Trust

I am tired.

There has been a lot going on in life recently and I have a lot to think about. Different situations are happening at work and I need to be mentally prepared for options that may come up. While prepping for that I also need to go to work and continue seeing people with high energy and a smile on my face. It's fine in the moment but by the end of the week, sometimes even the end of the day, I am spent.

All things happen for a reason right? It's funny how you think of something and then it happens but then as time goes on, you wish it was different again. I guess that phrase "be careful what you wish for" holds more truth to it. With all the possible decisions and changes that may be occurring with work and personal life, I am leaning on the universe right now. I am hoping I have the knowledge to know what is best for me and take whatever opportunity when timing is right. Please continue to guide me and give me continued strength to handle not only my patients, but to understand what my purpose is and how it fits in with what is going on around me.

Bob

I'm sitting here trying to think of how to start this since it's been so long and I cannot find the words. Life has been moving and continues to move. Currently I'm dealing with a patient who is dying. He has cancer in his hip and spinal fluid and there isn't much that can be done. I've worked with this patient before for a hip replacement and have built a relationship with him. For the past two weeks, I have been working with him and every day, have seen him decline. He is having difficulty swallowing, speaking, communicating and overall functioning. This afternoon I spent an hour with him after work. I got to hold his hand, talk to him and got him to take a drink of water and lie down. His wife says we have a special connection because I can get him to do things that others can't. It's nice to know I can comfort him in ways others cannot. He is so tired and is fighting so hard; I can feel it in his energy. I talked with his wife and kids and we all shared stories and concerns but it never feels like it's enough. In situations like those, I feel that we all want to say or do something to make the pain, sadness, uncomfortablness or whatever the feeling is to go away. Unfortunately, that just takes time. Tears were shed and hugs were given. I told him that it was okay to relax and rest. I want him to relax and let go. He's fighting so hard and I know he is tired.

On my way home, across the sky was a bright rainbow. I'm taking it as a sign from the universe that as hard as it is, it will be okay. And he will be okay.

Dear Universe

I have been dealing with some stuff. I figure this is typical "becoming a more grownupy grown up stuff" but nevertheless, it is bothering me. I get so frustrated on how for some reason, I never am fully satisfied. It's weird; I love where I live, I love my husband, I love my family and that should be enough. But for whatever reason, I do not feel completely fulfilled and that is frustrating to me. Now, this feeling comes and goes and is not always as strong/pronounced but the fact that it keeps hanging around has me tired. I have been nagging my brain as to what it is that is causing it. Is it my job?, the setting I work in?, not enough "me time"? I'm not even sure which is frustrating because then I'm not sure how to go about fixing it. So I'm laying it out there....here it is

Dear Universe,

I am handing myself to you. I will do my best not to overthink or stress over my feelings and just let life be what it will be. Like I stated before, I am not sure what needs to be altered or addressed with my life but I'm leaving it to you. All I ask is that whatever it is, please let it be what's best for me and my husband. I want us both to be happy and completely fulfilled with ourselves and our lives. With this, I hope you can not only give me clarity in what I'm looking for, but the wisdom and sense to recognize it.  I will wait. I will listen and I will feel.

Validation

We all live for a job. That's what society tells us to do...at least that's how I take it. The emphasis on your job and how it makes you who you are is so important and can rattle your self conscious if it's not the right fit. I think I found my fit. After 7 months of adjusting, trying to make the best of different jobs and networking, I have found a position that makes me feel supported and validated. I love what I do, the patients I work with, how they grow and the team that I have. We are all working well together and things are coming along great. There is still adjusting to be done and continuous growth but to feel good about what I do and to feel the belonging is a great start.

Worry and Doubt

I wish I could stay happy. Not saying that I'm never happy but I find that I am not satisfied with where I'm at in my life which is ridiculous because I have a job, a great husband and I live in freaking Hawaii. Why wouldn't I be happy?! It's very frustrating how I continue to slip back into doubt and worry. I constantly think about where I "should" be at and what my job is like or not like and etc. There is always something that sucks me back from happiness and it's getting to the point where it's making me mad. I'm not sure what to do about it. I've tried accepting the feelings but then you tend to dwell on them. I've tried changing jobs, researching but that hasn't solved anything. I know there are pros and cons to any job you have, place you live and basically any situation life throws at you but why can't I accept that like a normal person? I've decided that I am not good at life and no matter what happens or where I'm at, what situation I'm in, there is always going to be something that bothers me. I just wish I could accept it and move on. Maybe I just need to try something different.....just not sure what.

What is your's to carry?

I found this quote today.

"I wonder how much of what weighs me down is not mine to carry"

A lot has been happening in our "society" as of lately. Bickering, arguing, discussions, bills being passed or not passed, etc. I have to be a good citizen and try (as much as I may hate it) to watch the news and see what is going on. What's currently being decided and how it's being handled makes me think that people choose or react to things to get on a "power trip" Manipulation, greed and selfishness is all part of it. There is no thought of other people, the environment or the future. Just...what can I get RIGHT NOW?

I admit, I am not the perfect citizen. I did not vote in this last election and honestly, I don't think I've ever voted. I do not stay informed and I focus on myself and my family. Sounds like I'm being a hypocrite from what I just said earlier in the above paragraph. My justification for that is, I choose how I react to people and events that will benefit me and my family. I contribute to whatever charity I can (whether public or giving a friend a gift they cannot afford). I am a positive person (for the most part) and I expel my energy on people everyday hoping it makes a difference. I live by the golden rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated. I try my best not to judge and I'm kind. My profession makes people physically, mentally and emotionally better which I feel contributes more so than many other things.

I get very frustrated and emotional at how people treat other people and what goes on in the news. Even now, writing this post, I'm getting emotional. So, going back to the quote up above, what is not mine to carry? What is not your's to carry? I think we should all think about this when we choose to make a decision and react to certain things. I feel that if I'm a good person, I try hard everyday and I put out good energy for everyone, that good energy will makes it's way around and will eventually come back to me. I just wish others would do this too. What is your's to carry?